Loxfinger: 1965 James Bond Parody
Published in 1965 Loxfinger is the first of several books detailing the adventures of Israel Bond, Jewish secret agent Oy-Oy-7. The book opens with Bond making love to the supple Miss Viet Cong. Unfortunately their fun is spoiled by an uninvited assassin. To quote. “Wop! Wop! Two silencer-muffled shots slammed into the headboard of the bed upon which Israel Bond was making love to the impassive Oriental girl whose body, insouciantly straddled, lay beneath his eager thighs.” Indeed. Naturally Bond is able to turn the tables and kill the assassin and, also naturally, the “Oriental” girl, whom he had impressed earlier in the evening with his skill in ordering a drink; “Morris, we’d like two egg creams, Seventh Avenue and 28th Street-style. Made properly, there should be no ice shavings in the eight-ounce Corning Ware glasses. The seltzer should be cold enough to stand on its own with a 3.5 ratio of pinpoint carbonation, roughly 1,118 bubbles to the ounce. Before the seltzer is poured, a fourth of the glass should be filled with Walker-Gordon non-pasteurized milk from selected tuberculin-free Holsteins at the immaculate farm in Princeton, New Jersey. Only Fox’s U-Bet chocolate syrup should be used to compliment the milk, both milk and syrup mixed delicately with an 1847 Rogers Brothers spoon, dairy silver, of course, in the tasteful Mrs. Aaron Burr scroll pattern, as the seltzer is added slowly, ricocheting rhythmically off the spoon,” is in on the plot but Bond, after finishing what he started, bullet wound to the shoulder notwithstanding, allows her to leave with nothing more than a peremptory spank on the bottom, and of course the memory of his touch.